"To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine" Episode Seventy-Five

Welcome to Honor Your Truth The “Is It True?” Series Episode Seventy-Five “To Err is Human, to Forgive…Divine” I had just gotten my drivers license. I was drivin’ the big red caddy. We called this car “the boat”. It was HUGE. You could cruise around with a good 6-8 people comfortably. I considered living in it a few times when I was getting along with my parents. On this particular night, I was heading over to a friend’s house to hang out and listen to RUSH 2112. That record had just came out. It was like nothing anyone had ever heard before. My sister knew all the words. She was kinda known for it. My friend lived on the corner of Flint Creek and something. I missed the turn to his driveway, and instead landed on his neighbors’ lawn. I had done what was otherwise known as a “lawn job” by accident. If you don’t know what that is, a driver or drivers plow through a lawn creating all sorts of havoc. It can be random, or fully orchestrated. You drive on, and you drive off with total disregard for any kind of ornamental shrubbery, flowers, statues or anything. I was in the car one time. I was really scared and felt bad. It would never be my idea of a fun night out. One does this because they’re mad or in love, its homecoming or prom, or they’re just plain bored on a Saturday night. It’s a step below T.P.-ing which is covering a lawn and its trees with toilet paper. T.P.-ing is a total mess…and God forbid it rains, but a “lawn job” can be worse depending on how many cars you got goin’. It can create a heckuva lot of damage. Although I was just one girl, I did a “great” job. I went up on the lawn and drove over a newly planted tree. I saw it pop up behind me in the rear view mirror. Excellent. I was like, hmm, “Did I just run over a tree?” and 2 seconds later it went boing from under the back bumper. I was in “big trouble” now. I was petrified. I contemplated driving away. Back then I would go into a complete shame spiral whenever I did something “wrong”. I still do when it concerns a vehicle. I had an accident some years ago and you would have thought the world was coming to an end. The police officer on the scene and the guy I crashed into didn’t know quite what to do with me. I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I reverted back to the little girl who spilt the milk. I sat there and realized their was only one thing to do, the right thing. I went up to their door, rang the bell and the Dad came to the door. I said, “I just ran over your tree by accident”. Well it turns out that someone else had already driven over the baby tree, but more intentionally. It truly was a “lawn job”. He was still very angry about that, and no one had come to his door to apologize. Then I show up and he was livid. I agreed to pay any damages and ultimately replace the tree if needed. He dragged me out there to look at the tree. He was still yelling. He wouldn’t stop. He was a crazy person. His wife finally came into the picture and she was able to get him to calm down. We went inside and she brought me some water. I was really upset. I don’t’ know where the man went. I never saw him again. I think back about that man periodically. He had a wildfire in his eyes. At the time, I didn’t understand that his rage was not about me. When I knocked on his door, I was opening up all sorts of unresolved pain, old resentments allowed to fester and grow. This is my guess. Anger compounds on itself. A very extreme lifelong argument…the kind that escalates and you don’t even know what the fight is actually about anymore. I usually start laughing before it gets that bad. I know people who have gone to great lengths to avoid a person. If you ask them why, the reason is often vague or very convoluted. Neither party wants to budge. Forgiveness is often a process, but it can be a decision in the moment. Would I rather be right, or happy? That man was not able to react appropriately to the event because he was not in the present. He was somewhere else. He wasn’t conscious. So many people wander around like this, not knowing they are free to make their own choices….not really living…bound by the past. I have found that forgiving myself is an integral part of the forgiveness plan. I used to feel a little annoyed when someone…a therapist or otherwise would say, “You must forgive yourself first”. I wanted to hold on to my anger and shame. The idea of self love was frankly nauseating…again another kind of victim mentality to shed. Maybe I felt if I was busy beating myself up then I wouldn’t have to actually assume responsibility for my life and my choices. I don’t want to judge myself or anyone else that harshly. We are human. We make mistakes. We can learn from them. We can do better. I strive to forgive myself for all the many times I didn’t honor my truth, for all the times I lived in fear of being myself. We have divine goodness in us. I Honor Your Truth. Debra Hadraba The Honor Your Truth Community

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Blip | October 1, 2009

Tags:. .shrubbery. .forbid. .ornamental. .err. .caddy